My teacher said I was being disrespectful. She'd asked us what our favorite animal was, and I'd said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right. Everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chickens. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.







I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

^^The easiest way to make your old car run better is to check the prices of new car.^^

^^What I hear, I forget. What I see, I remember. What I do, I understand.^^

^^PESSIMIST: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in OPPORTUNITY^^

^^If you can solve your problem, then what is the need of worrying ? If you cannot solve it, then what is the use of worrying ?^^

___________________________________________________________
A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a basketball player. They start to talk, and eventually, go back to his place.

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

"What's that?" the lady questions.

"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his pants, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

'What's that?' the lady questions again.

"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."

Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

"You didn't tell me you had AIDS!" the lady screams.

"No, no.....! Calm down," the man replies........ "This will say ADIDAS in a minute...........!!!"

___________________________________________________________
We all know that an optimistic would see half full glass of water, while a pessimist would see a half empty one.

What would people of different professions and walks of life say?

A Banker would say that the glass has just under 50% of its net worth in liquid assets.

The Government would say that the glass is fuller than if the opposition party were in power.

The Opposition party would say that it is irrelevant because the present administration has changed the way such volume statistics are collected.

The Economist would say that, in real terms, the glass is 25% fuller than at the same time last year.

The Philosopher would say that, if the glass was in the forest and no one was there to see it, would it be half anything?

The Psychiatrist would ask, "What did your mother say about the glass?"


The Physicist would say that the volume of this cylinder is divided into two equal parts; one a colorless, odorless liquid, the other a colorless, odorless gas. Thus the cylinder is neither full nor empty. Rather, each half of the cylinder is full, one with a gas, one with a liquid.

The Seasoned Drinker would say that the glass doesn't have enough (or too much) ice in it.

___________________________________________________________
There was a Japanese who went to India for sightseeing.On the last day, he hired a cab and told the driver to drive to the Airport.During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan !!!.After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi and again the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!" And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars.Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was 800 rupees. !!!!The Japanese exclaimed, "What??… so expensive!" There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, Made in India VERY VERY FAST !!!!!
___________________________________________________________
Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes..!!
***********************************************************
In our life time 6 things can come at any time: 1.love 2.friendship 3.money 4.death 5.illness - - - 6.susu: isliye karke sona .good night
***********************************************************
(Language: Hindi) Air hostess: Aap 1 gante me 4bar toilet gaye! R U OK? Kya aap ko chein nahi hai?
SARDAR: 'Chain' hai par khulti nahi hai!!!
***********************************************************
(Language: Hindi) AASMAN ME TUM HO,ZAMIN PE TUM HO,HAWA ME TUM HO,JAHA BHI DEKHO TUM HI TUM HO. DOMEX WALI AUNTY SAHI KEHTI HAI "KITAANU" HAR JAGAH HOTE HAI.....
***********************************************************
Man:Dr Mujhe normal potti nahi aati,Chawal khaya to chawal nikle,Roti khayi to roti,normal k liye kya karu,
Dr:PoTTI KHA!!!!
***********************************************************
Last nite i had a dream abt U... I saw tht v both were gettig married on the same day... Ur wife was beautiful but mine is not... I asked GOD: Why it is so??? GOD replied: "BALANCE OF NATURE"...!!!
___________________________________________________________
Q: Why is the Samajwadi Party's symbol 'Cycle'?
A: Because after a ban on English and use of computers, that's all we'll be able to afford

Q: Why is the Congress party's symbol 'Hand'?
A: To remind Indians that our fate is forever in the hand of one family

Q: Why is BJP Symbol 'Lotus'?
A: Lotus is the symbol of Sarawasti and learning. BJP will educate us through the wisdom of Varun Gandhi and Pravin Togadia.

Q: Why is Mayawati's symbol 'Elephant'?
A: It's a self portrait.

Q: Why is Jayalalitha' s symbol 'Two leaves'?
A: Because that's what remained after Amma ate up all the fruit

Q: Why is DMK's symbol 'Sun'?
A: So that Karunanidhi can justify wearing shades indoors

Q: Why is Lalu's symbol 'Lantern'?
A: Because there's no electricity in Bihar

Q: Why is CPM's symbol 'Hammer and Sickle'?
A: Because that's what you will be using if they come to power

Q: Why is Sharad Pawar's symbol 'Clock'?
A: Because his time never seems to come

Q: Why is Shiv Sena's symbol 'Bow and Arrow'?
A: I can tell you, but then I'll have to shoot you
___________________________________________________________
An Obituary printed in the London Times - Interesting and sadly rather true.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, *Common Sense*, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.

*Common Sense *lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from
school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. *Common Sense *lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. *Common Sense *lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. *Common Sense *took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

*Common Sense *finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. *Common Sense *was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his
wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
***********************************************************

^^There are three kinds of men who do not understand women: young, old and middle aged.^^

^^Friendship isn't about who you have known the longest. ...but about who came and never left your side.^^

^^Forty is the old age of youth; fifty the youth of old age.^^

^^"GOD has time to listen. Do you have time to pray?"^^

__________________________________________________________
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.

"What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was peeing and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was peeing and this bullet came out."

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened, you were peeing and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."
___________________________________________________________
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard."

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You God-damned bastard."

The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

***********************************************************
Two deaf people get married and during the first
week of marriage they find that they are unable to
communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since
they can't see each other signing, or lips to lip-read.

After several nights of fumbling around and many
misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.

She writes, "Honey, why don't we agree on some
simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to
have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left
breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach
over and squeeze my right breast two times."

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes
back to his wife if she wants to have sex with him,
reach over and pull on his penis one time.
If she doesn 't want to have sex, pull on his penis
two hundred and fifty times.
__________________________________________________________
A famous speaker who came with his wife addressed the audience.
"The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"

The audience started staring at his wire in silence and puzzle.

Then speaker added with affection, "And that woman was my mother!"

Audience was touched and the speaker achieved what he came to do.

The corporate big executive totally dependent on subordinates, tried to crack this joke at a party in his home. He was tipsy with drinks.

He cut the story he heard announced loudly to the guest, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"

The wife went crazy and about to crack the big glass dish on husband's head.

The husband kept scratching his head, looked at his wife and then announced, "Damn, after the drinks I don't remember who she was."
_________________________________________________________
The Bengali lady was recovering after having given birth. She asked for ice.

The nurse provided it, then watched as the Bengali lady placed the ice between her breasts.

"What are you doing that for?"

^

^

^

^

^

^

^

^

^

^

"That's to keep the milk fresh"
___________________________________________________________
A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO DELHI .

SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME.'

SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER COIN IN, OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 55 KGS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO DELHI .'

THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER COIN IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ:

'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 55 KGS, YOU ARE GOING TO DELHI AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE.'

THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, 'I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE.' SHE SAT BACK DOWN.

FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A BOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM. WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE BOY'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC..

SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING, 'THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'

BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER COIN, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 55 KGS , YOU ARE GOING TO DELHI AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.' NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG ,AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE.' BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED,AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND.

ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, 'THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE. I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE,PUT IN ANOTHER COIN ANd ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT.

IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 55 KGS, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO DELHI'.
__________________________________________________________
An Ant saw strawberry juice shouted: "Aaaah at last I visited the red sea!!!!"
***********************************************************

Two cockroaches were admitted in ICU,
The first Cockroach asked: "Raid???"
The second Cockroach replied: "No, Shoe!!!"
***********************************************************

An NRI sent a blank SMS to his wife, why?
He didn't want to talk to her!!!
***********************************************************

A man hit his brand new car in to the wall, why?
He wanted to test whether the airbags are working!!!
***********************************************************

Policeman caught a drunk man asked: "Why your eyes are red?", The drunk man replied: "Actually I drunk tomato sauce while i was sleeping!!!"
***********************************************************

Two mad people were fighting on motorcycle, why?
They were arguing about 'who will sit near the window'!!!
***********************************************************

A drunk man opened his fridge saw the jelly shaking.
So he said: "don't worry dear, i will not eat u now!!!"
***********************************************************

A drunk man gave his mobile to his friend said: "please send a SMS to my girlfriend, because my hand-writing is very bad!!!
_________________________________________________________
One day a man was having a conversation with God when his whole life flashed before his eyes as a series of footsteps on the sands of time.

He saw that there were two pairs of footprints, but during the most difficult periods of his life there were only one set of footprints.

He asked God "You said you will be with me throughout this journey, but why have you deserted me during the most critical times of my life??".

God answered "Son, I did not desert you, I was always with you...you see only one set of footprints because during those difficult times in your life, I was carrying you in my hands"


But in my office..
=============

Another day I was having a similar conversation with my Project Manager (PM) when my whole project flashed before my eyes as a series of footsteps on the sands of time.

I saw that there were two pairs of footprints, but during the most difficult times in the project there were only one set of footprints.

I asked my PM "You said you will be with me throughout the project, but why have you deserted me during the most critical times of the project??"

PM answered "Dude, I did not desert you, I was always with you...you see only one set of footprints because during those difficult times, I was sitting on your head!!"

___________________________________________________________
A married couple was asked to present their SWOT Analysis.

His reply:

My *S*trength is my wife.
My *W*eakness is my neighbour's wife.
My *O*pportunity is when the neighbour goes out.
My *T*hreat is when the neighbour comes back unexpected!

Her reply:

My *S*trength is my beauty.
My *W*eakness our local plumber.
My *O*pportunity is when pipes burst.
My *T*hreat is when my husband starts reading plumbing "Do It Yourself" book!
___________________________________________________________
*** parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off.

More than a little distraught, the Indian grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the Indian starts screaming hysterically:

'My Porsche, my beautiful black Porsche is ruined. No matter how long at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the Indian finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust: 'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Indians are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?', snaps the Indian.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realize that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'

The Indian looks down in absolute horror,
'BLOODY HELL!!!!!!' he screams........ 'Where's my Rolex ????...'


***********************************************************

With a pile of 300 resumes on his desk and a need to pick someone quickly, my boss told me to make calls on the bottom 50 and toss the rest.

"Throw away 250 resumes?" I asked, shocked.
"What if the best candidates are in there?"

"You have a point," he said. "But then again, I don't need people with bad luck here."

***********************************************************

Ques: Prove that 2/10=2

Ans : Normal college students insist Question is "OUT of Syllabus" or incorrect.

but

Engineering Students never knows what is correct answer, he/she always think, we are Engineering student and so we should think differently and invent new miracles

So engineering student will solve this example as below
2=two,
10=ten.

therefore Two/Ten = Two/Ten = wo/en.

w=23,
o=15,
e=5,
n=14.

therefore

w+o=23+15=38
&
e+n=5+14=19

Therefore wo/en=38/19= 2.

Hence Proved

FOR, Engineers " It doesn't matter ans kya hai, they say ans kya lana he."

***********************************************************
A guy goes to Madras Post to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?"

He says "Yes, just caffeine."

"Have you ever been in the service?" the interviewer asks.

*Yes," he says, "I was in Kargil for two years."

The interviewer says "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment here."He then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes, an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles clean off."

The interviewer tells the guy: "O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am, and plan on starting
at 10am every day. Don't worry, we'll still pay you from 8am."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don't you want me to be here before 10am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

***********************************************************
It was opening night at the Orpheum theatre and the Amazing Eileen was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff.

As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage, she announced, ''Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.''

The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat.

''I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations.''

She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, ''Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.... ''.

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

''Sh*t'' said the hypnotist.


It took three weeks to clean up the theatre. ...

***********************************************************
Five friends lived in a room, Namely MAD, BRAIN, FOOL, NOBODY& SOMEBODY.

One day SOMEBODY killed NOBODY. At that time BRAIN was in bathroom, MAD called police.

MAD: Is it police station???

Police: Yes, what is the matter???

MAD: SOMEBODY killed NOBODY.

Police: Are you mad?
MAD: Yes, I am MAD.

Police: Don't you have BRAIN?

MAD: BRAIN is in bathroom...

Police: you FOOL...

MAD: No, FOOL is reading this joke..






























































Alley alley bura laga...

Joke tha ji ....